50 Shades Of Grey’s Official Soundtrack, rated according to the sex we’d have to it.

co-written with Jack Pengelly

If you’re going to have sex to the 50 Shades of Grey OST, (and we highly recommend you do) there are a few things you may want to consider. But first, a general PSA: neither of the authors of this have read or intend to see 50 Shades of Grey – that being said, we love three of the finer things in life: music, sex (NOT WITH EACH OTHER, PERVS) and of course Beyonce; and this compilation is perfect for all three.

We found that the easiest way to go about this album review was to go song by song and decide upon which situation the song would best suit. As we hope you’re lucky enough to know, there are a million and one ways to have good sex, and this album has done a pretty okay job of covering them.

Observe.


  1. “I Put A Spell On You (Fifty Shades of Grey) – Annie Lennox

A great start to the album, this song serves as the foreplay, as it were, for what’s to come. Once you’ve got the original Screamin’ Jay Hawkins version out of your head, the jazzy piano, smooth vocals and electric guitar solos will definitely get you in the mood. Annie Lennox is the epitome of empowered women having amazing sex, and she flaunts it in this sultry, thrust-evoking track.

Would recommend for: experienced, knows-how-to-use-it sex.

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4/5 condoms.


  1. “Undiscovered – Laura Welsh

One of the compilation’s less inspiring tracks, this song definitely doesn’t scream “SEX!” like some of the others do. It has a good beat, but all it really succeeds in is making me want to stop all this sex business and go listen to Natasha Bedingfield’s 2009 masterpiece: ‘Unwritten

Would recommend for: polite, over-the-clothing, teenaged smoochin’.

condoms

1/5 condoms.


  1. “Earned It (Fifty Shades Of Grey) – The Weeknd

There is probably some scientific reason why the 6/8 time signature makes you want to booty drop and roll around on a bed, or why soaring falsetto makes you want to close your eyes and rock back and forth, but we don’t really care. Not only is it sensual as heck, but this song is literally about worshipping women AS THEY SHOULD BE. While the feel of the song is initially nostalgic of ‘Blurred Lines, there is a key difference: While Robin Thicke’s misogynist little number objectified women as something that a man deserved, The Weeknd’s take on sex has done the opposite – talking only about how women are perfect and ‘always worth it’, implying that men should have to work for their affection.

Would recommend for: comfortable, lazy sex with someone you won’t mind having breakfast with the next day.

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5/5 condoms.


  1. “Meet Me In The Middle – Jessie Ware

This is ‘Earned Its less sexually experienced little brother. Yeah, it’s still got that sultry 6/8 time signature, but you’re not listening as consciously to the lyrics. Don’t get me wrong, it’s still perfect for sex, but maybe as background with low volume while you focus your attention on the task at hand.

Would recommend for: breaking the tension when you’re not really sure what to say.

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3/5 condoms.


  1. “Love Me Like You Do – Ellie Goulding

This is the Disney song of the album. It’s for when you’re having sex, and for the first time it actually means something – sex that makes you so happy you could break out into a musical theatre ballad. This is the stereotype of sex in the best way possible; it still has sexuality, however there is a certain innocent quality to this track that doesn’t appear elsewhere on the album.

Would recommend for: the first time that it’s more than sex.

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4/5 condoms.


  1. “Haunted (Michael Diamond Remix) – Beyoncé

I’m not sure if ‘Haunted was anyone’s favourite from Beyonce’s 2014 self-titled album, however this remix has taken out the monotonous rap, quickened the pace and doubled the track’s sensuality. This, like any of Beyonce’s recent work, oozes sexuality and would work just as well in a club as it would in the boudoir.

Would recommend for: tipsy sex

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3/5 condoms.


  1. “Salted Wound – Sia

Let’s face it, this for having sex with someone who you reeeeeeaaalllyyyy like. Like, like-like. It is quintessentially Sia (funny that) in the raw emotion that it emulates – you’re going to need copious cuddling/spooning after this one.

Would recommend for: the seventh or eighth date, when you’re pretty sure they’re a catch.

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4/5 condoms.


  1. Beast Of Burden – The Rolling Stones

This is for that indie couple you want to hate, but really can’t – they’re attractive, intelligent, LADEN with Instagram followers, but are genuinely adorably in love. One of the Rolling Stones’ more chilled numbers, this song induces involuntary smiles and/or laughter.

Would recommend for: giggly, madly-in-love sex with someone who will laugh along when your undies get stuck on your ankles.

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5/5 condoms.


  1. “I’m On Fire – AWOLNATION

For someone who you’ve always been close with; the culmination of years of ‘will they, won’t they?’. The one downside of this song is the slightly odd lyrics – albeit while you’re ‘in the moment’ you won’t be really paying attention to these.

Would recommend for: summer nights, by the ocean, feeling the cool breeze on your bare skin.

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3/5 condoms.


  1. “Crazy In Love (2014 Remix) – Beyoncé

This song is the musical equivalent of an orgasm. It should be shown in sexual education. It should be compulsory to listen to it during sex. Any song that has a definite, slow rhythm will be ‘sexy’, however when you add in Beyonce’s gasps and moans, you have an almost spiritual experience on your hands; the Holy Grail of ‘doin it’. Not only does it sound like a sex scene, but it physically makes you feel sexy. The progression of the song itself illustrates, in musical form, the act of sex from start to finish.

Would recommend for: the best sex you’ve ever had in your life, preferably with an underwear model.

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5/5 condoms.


  1. “Witchcraft – Frank Sinatra

The world needs to listen to more jazz – there, I’ve said it. This is for the montage of roaming the streets of New York, laughing at literally everything and ending up kissing on your tippy-toes in the elevator up to your hotel room. This is honeymoon music; it’s for when you’ve sealed the deal. For when you’re lucky enough to be having sex with the person that you’re going to spend the rest of your life with. Therefore, the song somewhat lacks depth. The people who listen to this have already been through all the angst and heartache, and are far to adult to even remember it.

Would recommend for: attractive, white-toothed couples on honeymoon.

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4/5 condoms. (because we’re really fucking jealous)


  1. “One Last Night – Vaults

This song doesn’t do a lot for us. Perhaps it’s because it’s been grouped with such high competition, but this track doesn’t really make the cut. Its only redeeming feature is the chorus which I suppose would make a good kissing soundtrack in a sub-par melodrama.

Would recommend for: Faking it.

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2/5 condoms.


  1. “Where You Belong – The Weeknd

This is the second Weeknd song of the album, and it doesn’t quite live up to its predecessor’s success. While it still has that lovely falsetto, what it lacks is a ‘drop’; you’re in constant suspense, which can sometimes be good for sex but at the end of the day we’re all looking for some closure.

Would recommend for: when you’re not really fully ‘in the mood’

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3/5 condoms.


  1. “I Know You – Skylar Grey

This is the first time. This is all of the hype that society places on virginity, and it’s almost sad how naive it comes across. However, the orchestral background does add an erotic tone, and Skylar Grey kills it in the high bits.

Would recommend for: your first time

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2/5 condoms.


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